Words can hurt you

We all know this isn’t true:

“Sticks and stones may break your bones,
but words can never hurt you.”

Our bodies and minds are more tied together than the saying implies. Ever gotten a stomachache over words? I have.

Context matters. In the last chapter of Mindfulness, author Ellen Langer illustrates with this example.

If you see a lion at the zoo, you’re not afraid.
Your body doesn’t react.

But encounter him outside your tent on a camping trip?
See how you react then.

Contexts are learned. Thus most of what provokes emotion is learned. And these emotional contexts are generally learned in a single-minded way.
ELLEN LANGER

Think how you react to God. Some feel angry. Maybe afraid. Or shamed. Or simply disinterested. Perhaps because of an absent or bad father growing up. Perhaps because of harmful church experiences earlier in life.

But our initial perceptions aren’t always accurate.

If your doctor calls you to come in, you may feel a physical reaction. Not because answering the phone is stressful, but because what you’re imagining is. What’s wrong? Do I have cancer? What will this mean?

Our thoughts create the context which determines our feelings.

And our feelings spread out from there. To avoid unnecessary stress, get to the truth.

If we’ve imagined God as a stalker waiting to catch us in one wrong move then bang!, or if we’ve thought he could care less about our lives, or that he doesn’t even exist at all, we’re not likely to seek him and discover the full life he has for us.

And we will surely have a hard time loving such a God.

So what do we do?

Reexamine our beliefs. Study to see if they line up with who God says he is. Talk to those who have a satisfying relationship with him and compare that to God’s book. Look around at creation.

God encourages mindfulness, not ignorance (2 Timothy 2:15).

Just as we dodge real sticks and stones, let’s stay mindful to avoid untrue words as well—they’re painful. They lead to untrue beliefs.

And untrue beliefs hurt us in more ways than one.

Seek the truth.
In truth is freedom.
In freedom is life. Life to the full (John 10:10).

* * *

We’re discussing Mindfulness at The High Calling.

More than a label

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:14

Most of our labels for people tend to be global:
genius, midget, homosexual, giant.
~ ELLEN LANGER, Mindfulness

So I labeled the scruffy man with longer hair in the corner of the room in the wheelchair as “the man in the wheelchair.” I automatically had a stereotype to squeeze him into.

That’s how prejudices work. I have friends I introduce as “the sweet one” or “the sports fanatic” or “the health nut.”

But who wants to be a label, even if it’s a good one?

To be a “paraplegic” or a “diabetic,” or to be “too fat” or “too thin,” suggests that there is one ideal way to be a human being.

But Jesus saw with different eyes.
Ever notice when Jesus healed people, he didn’t use a one-size-fits-all approach?

• He touched the hand of Peter’s mother-in-law (Mark 1:30-31).
• He touched the eyes of two blind men in Capernaum (Matthew 9:29-30).
• He put his fingers in the deaf man’s ear in Decapolis and after spitting, touched his tongue (Mark 7:33).
• He spit on the eyes of the blind man at Bethsaida (Mark 8:23).
• He made mud for the blind man’s eyes in Jerusalem (John 9:6-7).
• And he laid hands on many others.

I’m sure he would have seen the man in the wheelchair as much more than “the man in the wheelchair.”

I finally did, too. Once the gentleman started talking and interacting with others around us, I saw him as witty, as independent, as compassionate. There is no stereotype for people in wheelchairs any more than there is a stereotype for people out of them.

Typically when we try to overcome prejudice we try to look for similarities to help us shed the stereotype.

But what if we do the opposite?
What if we look for distinctions instead?

We all are handicapped, but we are not our handicaps.

I want to notice the differences that make you uniquely you.
You’re not a label. Neither am I.

We are more. Much more.

* * *

Thoughts sparked from chapter 9—Decreasing Prejudice by Increasing Discrimination—in Ellen Langer’s Mindfulness. Join the conversation at The High Calling.

Avoid burnout: Introduce uncertainty

Burnout sets in when two conditions prevail:
Certainties start to characterize the workday,
and demands of the job make workers lose a sense of control.
~ ELLEN LANGER, Mindfulness

It’s another Sunday morning.

• Get up at the same time
• Park in the same spot at church
• Sit in the same seats for worship
• Talk to the same friends
• Sing the same songs
• Hear a sermon from the same chapter
• Eat lunch at the same restaurant

Routine is good. Structure is good. “Decently and in order” is good.

But when it’s no longer Spirit-breathed, it can also be boring.

Introduce uncertainty.
Not as a psychological trick, but as an act of faith. God is not boring. Neither should our worship of Him be.

When we plan room for spontaneity or the non-routine, then worship and relationship and gratitude might awaken and grow.

Even though it’s a little risky (wonder what the new guy will say?) or it might fail the first time (so the new song flopped) or it might make us a tad uncomfortable (what’s next?), it can be healthy. It can be God-glorifying.

Structure doesn’t have to equal rigidity.
Plans shouldn’t rule out inspiration.

If an organization is characterized by rigid rules,
problems that arise feel insurmountable
because creative problem-solving seems too risky.
When bureaucratic work settings are of
the “we’ve always done it this way” mentality,
burnout is no stranger.

We don’t have to be afraid of uncertainty. Even though it seems a little adventurous. So is our God. Be open to options. Play with ideas. Encourage questions. Look for better ways to honor the Father.

If your church has been operating the same way for years and years, it may be time to ask yourself why.

The Word never changes. God never changes.

But He wants the Word to change us.

Do our gatherings reflect that desire and that actuality? Are we growing in love for the Lord and in love for others (Mark 12:29-31)?

If so, maintain.
If not, then what?

* * * 

We’re discussing chapter 8—Mindfulness on the Job—of Langer’s book Mindfulness today at The High Calling. Please join us.

What is it?

We pick up rules before we have a chance to question them.
~ ELLEN LANGER, Mindfulness

What is this?  *

(a) wet/dry hand block sander
(b) cigarette roller
(c) miniature dog sled
(d) grill and bacon press

We called it the Liar's Game. An unusual object was placed in the front of the room. Four people would explain—confidently but contradictorily—what the object was and its use, only one of which was accurate. The crowd would vote on the correct use.

We didn't know we were practicing mindfulness.

Are you creative? Then you're also mindful. So says Ellen Langer in chapter 7—“Creative Uncertainty”—of Mindfulness.

Much of creativity is in asking questions, looking for new ways of doing things, finding unusual uses for usual objects, not automatically accepting the status quo.

When I travel, I pack clothespins. Not to hang up clothes (although occasionally I’ll drip-dry a swimsuit) but because I'll need to play “What is it?”.
• Curtains don’t meet to block out the light? The clothespin becomes a curtain-closer.
• Didn't eat all the popcorn? The clothespin becomes a bag clip.
• Got a buggy computer cord that has to be held just so (I hope this never happens to you)? The clothespin becomes a cord-holder.

I long to create. Because it's part of God in me. It's part of being made in his image. It's part of knowing him more, showing him more.

If I fail to exercise that part of me, I fail to be in touch with that part of God.
I want to touch all of God I can.

And I also want you to.
Because I can't see all aspects of God. Neither can you.

But we can see more of God together than we can see alone.

When Bach was asked how he found his melodies, he said, “The problem is not finding them, it's—when getting up in the morning and getting out of bed—not stepping on them.”

As God breathes creative expressions into your soul, nurture them; don’t smother them.

You may not create piano masterpieces or paint great works of art, but you can...
• approach scripture with an open mind.
• Or worship with a new mode of expression.
• Or see God in a place you’ve never seen him before.

Or write a blog post.

We can create.
We can be mindful.
We can share God.

* What was it?

(b) My grandfather’s Brown and Williamson Cigarette Roller

~   +   ~   +   ~   +   ~   +   ~   +   ~   +   ~   +   ~

Thanking God for his gifts of creative grace, # 419-435

~ a workable reading plan...authors I learn from
~ really enjoying book 3 of H.P.
~ time to write
~ yard sales...Krispy Kreme doughnuts
~ Thursday night piano playing...worship through fingers
~ short haircuts
~ invention of Skype...a niece in NY to Skype with
~ voices of Freely...Bethany Dillon...Shane and Shane
~ watching movies with Jenna...home alone with Jeff
~ the God who continues to create

 

* * *

Did you guess the object correctly?

How do you practice your creativity?

Join in the conversation at The High Calling on creative uncertainty.

More on Mindfulness

What age is old?

We’re riding home from Gulf Shores, Alabama. My teen daughter and niece have already fallen asleep in the back seat of the car. At 11 a.m. In bright sunlight. In uncomfortable positions. With the radio on.

Me? I couldn’t even stay asleep last night. At 2 a.m. In a dark room. In a comfortable bed. With the soothing ocean outside.

Does that mean I’m old?

And does how I define ‘old’ determine how I’ll continue to age?

In chapter 6 of Mindfulness, author Ellen Langer suggests that,

The regular and “irreversible” cycles of aging that we witness in the later stages of human life may be a product of certain assumptions about how one is supposed to grow old.

If we didn’t feel compelled to carry out these limited mindsets, we might have a greater chance of replacing years of decline with years of growth and purpose.

So do we jinx ourselves into feeling older than our years because of our preconceived notions? And if so, what can we do about it?

Langer implies one way to age better is to retain responsibility and control over things we can.

Watching someone else do things that we used to do ourselves leads us to feel that we are now incapable of doing them.

This is true even when the only reason for our inaction is outside ourselves (institutional policy, for example).

Other things to do include:

• reversing memory loss by increasing motivation to remember
• fighting against stereotypical “doddering old fool” and “poor little old lady” imagery by valuing traits such as wisdom and maturity
• stop confusing old age and poor health

I don’t know that any of those will help me sleep more like a teenager, but maybe they can help me appreciate that I don’t have to.

Growing older doesn’t have to mean growing worse. I know plenty of older people who remain active, purposed, and healthy.

And I still have decades to go before I catch up with them.

I’m glad I am the age I am. Just old enough.

~   +   ~   +   ~   +   ~   +   ~   +   ~   +   ~   +   ~

Thanking God for these gifts of grace, # 409-418

~ weekend trip to the beach...laughing with teenagers
~ sweet memories...good health
~ being older...but not being the oldest
~ sleeping beside my man...under the sound of the ocean
~ knowing where I'm going at my final age...and Who will meet me there

* * *

Do you feel younger or older than your age?

Join in the conversation at The High Calling on mindful aging.

The light of mindfulness

I had been in our Sunday school classroom only five minutes yesterday morning when—darkness. The electricity went out.

That’s one way to shake free of mindlessness. 

Mindlessness is going through the motions without even thinking. I couldn’t do that in the dark.

I was forced to be mindful.

Author Ellen Langer begins Part 2 of Mindfulness with its key qualities.

1. Creates new categories
Kids reframe things naturally—sticks become guns; blankets become hide-outs; Ken becomes Prince Charming.

But we adults sometimes lose this imaginative ability.
 
When the lights went out Sunday, I thought, “We can’t have class now.”
Yet with a couple of flashlight apps and later two small candles, why not? Our class without electricity carried on. 

2. Welcomes new information
There’s always more to learn, new information to let in.

Both our prayer leaders yesterday caught themselves unconsciously speaking into the microphone, even though it was dead. But once they became conscious of it, they instead stepped away from the mikes and spoke louder.

3. Considers others’ perspectives
Langer says studies show we tend to blame circumstances when we mess up, but blame others personally when they do.

That faulty attitude can stunt our potential to make useful changes in ourselves, and prevent us from being empathetic toward others.

Yesterday I tried to put myself in Allen’s shoes (our preacher). I immediately became more lenient in judging his sermon because I knew it wasn’t the one he had prepared to preach (but it was good, nonetheless).

4. Increases control over context
Football players don’t get upset when 300-pound strangers pound them. But don’t try that off the football field. Sometimes context is everything.

We typically sing at my church from the lyrics projected on screens. But without electricity to run the projectors, we had to sing from memory.

I became far more mindful of the words I was singing because I was forced to think hard what they were.

5. Values the process, not just outcome
If I were to rank our Sunday service by the outward product, it might have been low. None of the leaders were able to use what they had prepared and it showed.

But Christianity is as much journey as destination. It’s not how polished the outcome is, but how we’re growing in Christ through the process.

And this time, maybe being kicked into darkness made me see a little more light by becoming a little more mindful. 

* * *
Linking up with other readers of Mindfulness at The High Calling

Do you think about it or just do it?

• Did I brush my teeth already? It’s time for bed and I can’t remember.
• Between the time Jeff prays for dinner and the time we fix our plates, Jenna will often say, “Did we pray already?”
• I instinctively turn left as if I’m going to LCA when I mean to go straight through the light to Sandy’s house.

Mindlessness.

It’s doing things without really thinking. Can you relate?

Repetition is one cause of mindlessness. Others include:

• Premature cognitive commitment—you believe eating cows for dinner is fine but you’d never even consider eating dogs
• Belief in limited resources—you don’t think you know enough Bible yet so you don’t mention Jesus to your friend
• The notion of linear time—you’ve heard it takes 6 weeks to heal from your surgery so it takes you 6 weeks
• Education for outcome—you study enough to make an A for the test but don’t remember the material the next day
• Influence of context—you automatically speak quieter because you’re in a hospital

I don’t mind being mindless about some things—I want to exercise because it’s Monday morning without having to think about it—but I don’t want to mindlessly kiss my husband good-night.

Or forget what I just read in my daily Bible reading five minutes after I finish.

Or miss out on a new adventure just because I’ve never considered doing life any differently.

I want to think about what I’m doing so I can intentionally honor God in purpose and awareness.

So as I pray for a stretched mind and soul, I’m reading Mindfulness by Ellen Langer with Laura Boggess’ book club at The High Calling.

And re-reading The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence on my own.

I’d love your company and thoughts if you’d like to read along!

* * *

Do you ever do something without even thinking about it?

(I can eat a dozen fritos from an open bag before I even start lunch, without even realizing it.)

Read discussion on Chapters 1-3