The blushing bride

We keep thinking we have to do something to earn a new identity, a new calling, and a destiny in Christ.

But the grace of God doesn’t work on merit. Your identity, your destiny, is simply given to you.

Your only response is to humbly receive the gift.
     MIKE GLENN, The Gospel of Yes

I didn’t expect to cry Saturday. I thought I was all cried out. (So many intense losses and gains the past few months.)

But I had a couple drops still left in me, and this was as good a time as any to drop them.

If I’m going to cry at a wedding, the most poignant moment is when the bride makes her entrance in the doorway, and the groom sees her in all her beauty.

I watch him more than I watch her. His eyes show pure excitement. His smile, uncontrollable joy.

On Saturday, David gave me the full show. He couldn’t stop grinning when he saw my neighbor Eva walk down the aisle on her dad’s arm.

And that’s when it hit me—Is this enthusiasm, this passion, what Christ feels for his bride, the church? For me?

Of course it is. When Christ sees us, all clean and white and pure, his eyes light up. His heart is overjoyed that we belong to him. He delights in our covenant bond.

And me? That makes me smile, too. Just like Eva.

Her glow was unmistakable as she zeroed in on her groom. While she cared about other people in the sanctuary, her focus stayed on David. He’s the one she’s pledging her life to. He’s the one she wants to grow old with.

When the ceremony was over, she was a new person. With a new name. A name given to her not because of anything she’d done to earn it, but as a gift from the person she loved. She accepted it gladly (I know because she changed her name on Facebook within hours).

My marriage with Christ makes me a new person, too. With a new identity. A gift given me by my Savior, not because I deserve it, but because he graces me with it.

I humbly receive the gift.
I’m honored to wear the family name.
I want to keep eyes focused on the One who chose me, the One whom I love.

It’s enough to make me cry. As I smile.

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
Ephesians 2:8-9

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:17

* * *

What makes you cry at a wedding?

Can you imagine how excited Christ is to see you walk down the aisle to him?

19 little things (that are really big things!)

We all think big things are grand, but aren’t we just as pleased with the consistency of little things?

I stopped counting at 19 little things (I could go on and on) that make Jeff an incredible husband. No wonder I love this man!

Happy 19th Anniversary to my God-designed-just-for-me husband!

1. He is first to clean up the vomit when our kids get sick

2. He knows how to successfully work a grocery store list (plus surprise us with a few goodies not on the list)

3. He apologizes that he snores

4. He puts his dirty clothes in the hamper, including socks and underwear

5. He wants to kiss me the second he gets home from work

6. He remembers to open the dishwasher when it stops so the dishes can air-dry

7. He rubs my back almost every night AND says he could do it for hours on end

8. He gets a stain out of the carpet better than me (and with a lot less whining)

9. He donates almost all the bookshelf space to me

10. He wants to get in bed at the exact time I do every night

11. He carries my bags and books (and bags of books) whether they’re heavy or not

12. He always drives so I can read in the car

13. He calls his mom and dad several times a week because he wants to

14. He tells me I’m beautiful even when I know I’m not

15. He can cry when he’s deeply touched

16. He always smiles to friends and strangers at the front door of church

17. He ends every e-mail to me with “I love you!” (including the exclamation point!)

18. He knows how to say “I’m sorry”

19. He prays with me every night (our precious new habit since March)

I love you, Baby! Thanks for making it so easy to do.

* * *

# 354—372

And so I add 19 more gifts of grace from God to me. I have far more than I deserve, but it’s the way God is....

What little thing does someone (husband or otherwise) do for you that is really a big thing?

RELATED:

• 5 reasons I love being married to Jeff
• I still vow...
• It’s our song—True Companion

photo credits: Jenna (isn’t she good!)

Friendly or Flirty? What to watch for

Forgiving others and asking for forgiveness is hard work. Necessary work. We all need to do both frequently.

But the best way to avoid forgiveness? 

Well, the obvious answer:
Avoid the sin in the first place, at least as far as it depends on you (Romans 12:18).

I heard some great advice for avoiding sin on a recent Focus on the Family broadcast, “Friendship or Flirtation: Danger Signs for Couples”.

The Rev. Dave Carder, author of Close Calls: What Adulterers Want You to Know About Protecting Your Marriage, shared a list of dangerous behaviors to avoid.

(Read the whole list of 19 Dangerous Behaviors. I’m excerpting 10 below.)

10 Dangerous Behaviors

Here are 10 questions to ask yourself about your own behavior:

1. Do you save topics of conversation for your "special friend"?

2. Do you share your marital/relationship troubles with your friend (e.g., "My husband (or wife) never … ")? Does your friend share his with you?

3. Do you anticipate seeing this person more than your spouse?

4. Do you compare the friend and your spouse ("If only my spouse was nicer to me like s/he is … ")?

5. Do you provide "treats" (coffee, snacks, etc.) for your friend?

6. Are you overly concerned for your friend's welfare ("How did you sleep?")?

7. Do you fantasize about marriage to your friend?

8. Are you hiding e-mails, texts, phone messages, etc., from your spouse?

9. Do you hide interactions with your friend from your spouse?

10. Do you allow sexual content to enter conversations with your friend?

Dangerous Partner Profile

Rev. Carder also gives a list of 6 cautions in a “Dangerous Partner Profile.”

It includes such things as:

• You may be attracted to a personality style that you wish your spouse had
• You may be attracted to someone in a particular age group
• You may be attracted to a certain type of attachment pattern

While some of our sins are spur of the moment, others build up over time. I’d guess adultery is one of those.

So if you don’t want to be asking for forgiveness for it someday, make sure you stay alert to the temptations in front of you today.

  * * *

What kind of boundaries do you have in place to protect your marriage?

“Here We Stand”—wedding song

This is the song my niece Amberly sang with her friend Beck at Morgan’s wedding. Their version was fantastic. 

It’s a sweet song of love and commitment that all couples can remind themselves to still sing to their sweethearts.

Here We Stand
T. Carter Music
LYRICS

Here we are, face to face
Brought here together
By God's amazing grace
Into your eyes, I see myself
Living a life
I've always dreamed about...

And as I stand here before you
I can't help but adore you...

Here we stand, In this moment now
I give my heart, I give my love
This is my vow
To you I swear, And I promise to
Give all I can, All I am
I give to you

Here we are, hand in hand
United as one
By the promise of our love
I open my heart, and let you in
To live there forever
As a lover and a friend

As I stand here before you
I can't help but adore you...

Here we stand, In this moment now
I give my heart, I give my love
This is my vow
To you I swear, And I promise to
Give all I can, All I am
I give to you

Here we are, face to face
Brought here together
By God's amazing grace...

* * *

The hospitality of a wife (BONUS: Wedding pictures)

When a woman marries a man,
she more fully engages her sphere of hospitality.

Not just in inviting the world into their new home,
but in inviting her husband into a fresh heart.

A woman feels most uniquely feminine
when she enjoys her capacity to strengthen relationships
and to encourage others by inviting them
to enjoy the blessings of relationship.
~ LARRY CRABB, Men & Women: Enjoying the Difference

She opens herself up—through love—to embrace, to welcome. 

Living biblically in relationship requires courage
to make risky decisions
that come out of hearts
wanting above all else
to give.

Femaleness includes a capacity for bonding to a man
to encourage him with the support of one
who values and respects him,
who invites him into relationship with her,
and who enjoys being enjoyed by him.

She commits, for a lifetime, to delight in this one

...with the blessing of that One

...leaving the original company of these ones.

She emerges to walk on her own path, her own unique and generous journey into hospitality.

When a wife’s special resources as a woman
consist primarily in an attitude
of nourishing, unpanicked supportiveness,
and warm, non-biting acceptance...
then the rhythm of the dance of relationship
begins to be heard.

Congratulations
to my beautiful daughter Morgan
and my awesome son-in-law Fuller!

May the Lord grant you many years of faith, hope, and love.

[A picture slideshow from photos I swiped from Jenna, Sandy, and Bonnie]

* * *

How have you seen wives be hospitable to their own husbands?

Is inviting relationship the same as being hospitable?

It’s wedding day!—“Butterfly Kisses”

She’s getting married today!

When Morgan was young, she would sit in Jeff’s lap and he would read the book “Butterfly Kisses” to her.

Today, he’ll give her away to be Fuller’s wife.
But she’ll always be her Dad’s little girl.

Please join me in saying a prayer today for Fuller and Morgan’s new marriage to be Christ-centered, joy-filled, and long-lasting!

Butterfly Kisses
Bob Carlisle
LYRICS

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven and she's daddy's little girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes and
I thank god for all the joy in my life
Oh but most of all for

CHORUS:
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride."
"I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."
In all that I've done wrong I know I must have done something right To deserve a hug every morning
And butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet 16 today
She's looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world
But I remember

CHORUS:
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"You know how much I love you, Daddy, but if you don't mind
I'm only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time."
With all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning
And butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind the years go by
Precious butterfly
Spread your wings and fly

She'll change her name today
She'll make a promise and I'll give her away
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her
She asked me what I'm thinking and I said "I'm not sure
I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl."
She leaned over...gave me

Butterfly kisses with her mama there
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
"Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it's just about time."
"Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry!"
Oh with all that I've done wrong I must have done something right
To deserve her love every morning and
Butterfly kisses-I couldn't ask God for more than this is what love is

I know I gotta let her go but I'll always remember
Every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses...

* * *

“Couples Who Pray Together”—Book review

I know Sharon and Ed do.
I’ve always admired that.
At 4 a.m.

But 4 a.m.? I’d rather work out a different time to pray with my husband.

So when I saw this title come up free on BookSneeze’s review site, I grabbed it.

Because it’s something I want to be:
Couples Who Pray: The Most Intimate Act between a Man and a Woman.

Jeff and I pray individually but haven’t succeeded in routinely praying together. I was hoping this book would give me some secret weapon to make it happen.

Alas, it didn’t.

But it has motivated me to suggest we try the “40 Day Prayer Challenge.”

The authors suggest you first fill out their prayer questionnaire (perhaps helpful but certainly not necessary). Then commit to praying together for a minimum of five minutes a day.

The bulk of the book though isn’t about the Challenge, but testimonies to answered prayers in others’ marriages. Some famous, some not. But all positive.

The three sections are:

• Section 1: Major Benefits of Couples Praying Together
  Includes why praying together is marriage’s most intimate act.
• Section 2: Taking the 40 Day Prayer Challenge
  How you do it and the remarkable power of prayer.
• Section 3: Factors during your forty days
  Includes chapters on the real enemy of your marriage, forgiveness power, prayer and money, and six steps to a happy marriage.

These steps to prayer are covered in the book and are also listed on their website.

HOW TO PRAY

1. Just start talking to God. A conversation.
2. Set aside the time, same time, everyday.
3. Start with an attitude of gratitude.
4. Confess your shortcomings & ask forgiveness.
5. Pray out loud.
6. Keep it short.
7. Normal language - no thee's and thou's.
8. Pray for your marriage.
9. Pray for others and yourself.
10. Expect God will answer your prayers.

Overall, the book was fine, but I probably should have been praying instead of reading.

Yet perhaps reading about others’ success in praying together will push me forward to see what can happen in my own house. We’ll see...

* * *

RELATED:

• 4 Ways to Keep Your Prayers Fresh
• My Favorite Twitter Prayers
• How to Make a House of Prayer

Who’s in charge of the beauty?

One thing have I asked of the LORD, that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to inquire in his temple.
Psalm 27:4

Nobody told me.

I didn’t know when I got married that I was going to be responsible for this.

I knew to expect the routine: housekeeping; kids; meals.

But beauty?

I suppose intuitively I knew it, somewhere deep down, that women are often in charge of the “pretty things” in a home. Women are usually the ones who buy the knick-knacks, decorate for the holidays, pick out pictures for the wall.

And I guess I can, but beyond the minimal basics, well, I think I’m missing a gene. I still haven’t hung curtains (or even blinds) on my living room windows. All my shoes and all my clothes fit easily on my one side of the closet. And my favorite wall art is simple photos of my kids.

And I have no problem with that. I’m utilitarian. 

But to check if I was missing something, a few years back I bought The Hidden Art of Homemaking, a small paperback by Edith Schaeffer (Francis’ wife), published in 1985.

What did I discover?

I wasn’t missing anything after all. Sure, I could kick it up a notch (okay, SEVERAL notches) according to the “interior decoration” chapter, and maybe the “clothing” and even “food” chapters.

But, hey, artistic expression is as individual as we are, and even though my expression may not be as traditional as some, God did put it in me in his own unique way.

• Isn’t knowledge a beautiful thing? I keep my home filled with books on whatever subject you need.
• Memories are beautiful. I am a curator of times past through photos (and one day I’ll get them all scrapbooked—maybe?)
• I make sure our Family Journal gets written in periodically by each member of the family.
• I encourage beauty in my daughters through their artistic gifts of photography and ballet and drama and writing and cooking and flower-arranging and music, and a million other creative knacks they have.
• There’s a certain beauty in loving a man well. Do I succeed? I can’t say. But I know I try.
• While my daily prayers may not be visibly (or even audibly) beautiful, I like to think they’re beautiful to the Father, and maybe to those I’m interceding for.

Beauty isn’t necessarily about what can be seen. Or even what can be captured.

But when we do recognize beauty, each in our own way, we can praise the ultimate Designer. He is responsible for it all. 

And that is a beautiful thing.

* * *

Who is responsible for the pretty things in your home?

Are you touchable?

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us...
John 1:14

Have you ever been part of an airport reunion?

Typically I’m the one waiting, welcoming home the weary traveler.
It’s good.

But this week was different.
I was the one being received.
I was the one receiving incoming messages like, “Time is standing still waiting for you.”

And it was really good.
But why?
After all, Jeff and I had been talking all week.

But we had not been in touch.

There is a sacred touch.

Remember how throngs gathered around Jesus?
Just to touch him.
Even the edge of his clothes.

There was power in the touch.

Jesus came as a gift.
To be touched. To touch.
Not as a pristine idol to be placed on high shelf
to be gazed at but never fingered.

He came in the flesh.
And the touch of his flesh made well (MATTHEW 14:36).

I’m here in the flesh.
I can touch.
I can be touched. 

Aren’t most gifts meant to be handled? Touched? 

Jeff had me at my feet. Back in the dating months. He’d rub my feet while we watched TV. No time limit. What? I was used to trade-offs. You scratch my back for 5 minutes; I’ll scratch yours for 5. Not now.

Touch is a love language.

Thomas needed touch.
The hands. The side.
Jesus offered it (JOHN 20:27).

The touch brought belief.

Jesus was touchable.

I don’t have the body of a fitness guru.
Or the beauty of a Covergirl.

But what I do have
is the finger that wears his ring.

It says I’m the one entitled.
To touch.
To be touched.

God says so (1 CORINTHIANS 7:4).

I am the gift at the airport.
To be hugged and kissed.
And touched.

* * *

My girls had special dolls from grandma that only they could play with, not their company.
What in your home is for certain hands only?

Related:

• How do you hug God?
• A prayer for his healing touch
• They pressed in to touch

Would you love anyway?

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it’s unconditional.

The truth is this:
     love is not determined by the one
being loved
     but rather by the one
choosing to love.

~ Stephen and Alex Kendrick
The Love Dare

Why do you love your husband? Your wife?

I love my husband because he’s...

• godly
• generous
• servant-minded
• masculine
• easy-going
• hard-working
• committed
• protective
• fun
• honest

...and because he’s in love with me.

But what if, God forbid, that ever changed?
What if, over time, he became selfish and hard and bitter...and he stopped loving me?

Would I stop loving him?

God forbid.

You see it happen all the time...when one either becomes or perceives their partner as unlovable. And what happens? All love stops. On both sides.

It’s easier to stop altogether than to continue loving the unlovable.

But may believers do the hard thing.

• May you love like Hosea, despite his wife being trashy.
• May you love like God, despite his children running as rebels.
• May you love like Jesus, despite your nails dug deep in his flesh.

Choose love. Not because of who others are—deserving or not, but because it’s who you are. His.

Always loved, designed to always love.

* * *

Have you seen someone love the unlovable?

Rejoice—you’re the beautiful bride!

FRIDAY OF THE SECOND WEEK OF ADVENT

The Spirit and the Bride say,  “Come.” And let the one who hears say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.
Revelation 22:17

Babies don’t stay babies. Baby Jesus grew up too. Into a man. As an adult, he first revealed his glory and performed his first sign at a wedding (John 2:1-11). Weddings are happy occasions!

And then he found himself his own bride. Who? Us! We have much to be thankful for as the chosen bride of Christ.

Here are five reminders from my niece’s wedding last Sunday about why we should rejoice that we’re Christ’s bride:

1. Bride adorned in beauty
Don’t you love a beautiful bride in her wedding dress? Jenna took this great picture of Amanda in her dress. But our wedding dress outshines even this one: Christ has clothed us in His righteousness!I will greatly rejoice in the LORD; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
Isaiah 61:10

2. Gathering together
Gathering with so many from my family for the happy occasion was a blessing. These cousins are all close. God created us for community; thank Him that we can celebrate His love with each other.The voice of mirth and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voices of those who sing, as they bring thank offerings to the house of the LORD:  “Give thanks to the LORD of hosts, for the LORD is good, for his steadfast love endures forever!”
Jeremiah 33:11

3. Beautiful singing
My nephew Austin and niece Amber played and sang so beautifully at the wedding. But can you even imagine how beautiful it will be when we’re gathered around the Lord’s throne singing love songs face to face in His presence?And they sang a new song, saying, “Worthy are you to take the scroll and to open its seals, for you were slain, and by your blood you ransomed people for God from every tribe and language and people and nation.”
Revelation 5:9

 4. Feasting at the table
What’s a celebration without food? Andrew, the groom, is an avid golfer so this cake was especially in his honor. God knows each of us by name and need, and opens his hand to satisfy each of our desires (Psalm 145:16). That’s another reason to rejoice.On this mountain the LORD of hosts will make for all peoples a feast of rich food, a feast of well-aged wine, of rich food full of marrow, of aged wine well refined.
Isaiah 25:6

5. Dancing in celebration
In my religious tribe we don’t do this as often as we need to. We had several sad moments at the wedding, wishing my mom and dad could have been with us. But we still have so much to celebrate now, and we know that one day we’ll all celebrate together forever.Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance, and the young men and the old shall be merry. I will turn their mourning into joy; I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow.
Jeremiah 31:13

So, 
Let us rejoice and exult and give him the glory, for the marriage of the Lamb has come, and his Bride has made herself ready.
Revelation 19:7

* * *

We’re sharing five favorites of our week at Susanne’s. What have you been thankful for this week?

Do you keep your word?

How seriously do you take your commitments?

When you say you’ll do something, what are the odds it will happen?

What about your marriage vows? When you say you’ll love your spouse for better or for worse, do you mean it?

Sometimes it’s easy to do in the big things. We say, if my husband came down with cancer, I’d stick with him through thick and thin. But what if he gets a little cold and is suddenly so annoying that we can’t sleep in the same room with him?

Or we say we’ll love our kids no matter what they do. But when they sass us a few times and throw us that “I know better than you” adolescent attitude, we declare it’s hopeless and start counting the days until they’re out of the house.

I’ve found that I’m tested in my commitments in the little things more than in the big things. Maybe that’s because there are far more little things than big things that come up.

I’m the same way with God. I think, if he’d give me a big assignment, I’d be on it! But when he asks me to dutifully do the same little things over and over, I whine.

It’s often in the day to day, week after week, little decisions that our level of commitment is really tested. It’s here we discover if we’re going to be people of character and stability, or not.

Let’s not fool ourselves:
If we can’t keep our word in the little things, how will we in the big things?

One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much,
and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much. 
If then you have not been faithful in the unrighteous wealth,
who will entrust to you the true riches?
Luke 16:10-11

* * *

Why is it sometimes hard to keep our word in the little things?  

Related:

• 4 traits of committed teens (& parents)
• Value the small things
• Do the small thing

It’s our song—“True Companion”

Today is the 18th anniversary of my marrying the best husband ever.

Jeff and I discovered this Marc Cohn song when we were dating in 1992 (a mere 7 months from first date until wedding day). And we played it over and over as “our song.”On Sept 11, 1992, the next-to-last day of our honeymoon on the island of Kaua’i, Hawaii, the eye of a Category 4 hurricane, Iniki (meaning “strong and piercing wind”), passed directly over us.It was our first great test as “true companions.”

We’ve weathered several more “strong and piercing winds” since then, but thankfully God has seen us through them all.

And if I am so blessed, I promise to stay by your side
and be your true companion not only now,
but throughout all eternity.
~ from my wedding vows to Jeff

Listen here:

True Companion
Marc Cohn
LYRICS

Baby I've been searching like everybody else
Can't say nothing different about myself
Sometimes I'm an angel and sometimes I'm cruel
And when it comes to love I'm just another fool

Yes, I'll climb a mountain
I'm gonna swim the sea
There ain't no act of God girl
Could keep you safe from me

My arms are reaching out
Out across this canyon
I'm asking you to be my true companion
True companion
True companion

So don't you dare and try to walk away
I've got my heart set on our wedding day
I've got this vision of a girl in white
Made my decision that it's you alright

And when I take your hand
I'll watch my heart set sail
I'll take my trembling fingers
And I'll lift up your veil

Then I'll take you home
And with wild abandon
Make love to you just like a true companion
You are my true companion
I got a true companion
True companion

When the years have done irreparable harm
I can see us walking slowly arm in arm
Just like that couple on the corner do
'Cause girl I will always be in love with you

And when I look in your eyes
I'll still see that spark
Until the shadows fall
Until the room grows dark

Then when I leave this Earth
I'll be with the angels standin'
I'll be out there waiting for my true companion
Just for my true companion
True companion 
True companion

* * *

Related:
Anniversary

• 5 reasons I love being married to Jeff
• I still vow...

“The DNA of Relationships”—Book review

Life is relationships; the rest is just details.

I had almost (mistake #1) finished this book when I decided to try it out last Thursday around 10 p.m. (mistake #2). So I calmly (in my mind) brought up something to Jeff that I needed to talk about.

It was a disaster.

Instead of matching our “relational DNA,” I pushed one of his hot buttons (mistake #3). We slid downhill for more than an hour. Then, yes, went to bed mad (mistake #4).

By the grace of God, we patched things up the next morning. But I had learned something: not only did I need to recognize my own core fears, but I’d be smart to learn Jeff’s core fears as well.

In The DNA of Relationships, Gary Smalley says that “Everything in life that truly matters can be boiled down to relationships.” And the problems within our relationships, he says, stem from each person acting out of a core fear.

You are made for three kinds of relationships:
with others, with yourself, and with God.

Smalley says that because most people don’t know what their core fear is, they react badly when that fear button is pushed. He identifies the most common 25 hot buttons and provides his own example online of how this works.

Two of my own core fears [find yours here] that I identified from Chapter Three, “The Dance that Destroys Relationships” are…
     1. the fear of feeling helpless, powerless, impotent, or controlled, and
     13. the fear of being invalidated, as if my words and actions are being ignored or devalued.

My fight with Jeff last week proved it true.

Generally, the two main primary fears fall along male/female lines:

Males: the fear of being controlled (losing influence or power over others—failing or getting stepped on).

Females: the fear of being disconnected (separation from people and being alone—not being heard, not being valued, somehow losing the love of another).

Smalley offers suggestions for overcoming the relationship “fear dance” of “Hurt, want, fear, react.” Most are very good.

[Disclaimer:
But the suggested wording may need to be tweaked to fit your personality. For example, when I read these statements below to Jeff last night, he laughed; I did, too. I won’t expect these specific words to come out of his mouth any time soon:

“Guys, hear me: If the woman in your life repeats the same thing over and over, I can almost guarantee that she does not believe you understand her heart. You could say at that point, ‘I noticed that you are repeating yourself, and that causes me to question whether you believe I am understanding you. Am I missing something?’”]

More from The DNA of Relationships:

* The external problem is rarely the real problem.

* It’s never just about the other person.

* Ask yourself, the “So what?” question. Ask it several times. Where it leads you may be at the heart of your relationship problem.

* Four Steps to Safety:
1. Respect the wall.
2. Honor others.
3. Suspend judgment.
4. Value differences.
5. Be trustworthy.

* Every upsetting experience is an opportunity to worship God. Ask, How is this thing good for me, and how is it bringing me closer to Christ, making me more loving and more like him?

* The real message is often the emotion beneath the words.

* What builds us up, as almost nothing else can? The sense that we have been genuinely heard and deeply understood.

Identifying your fears and learning to respond differently when your buttons are pushed can lead to healthier, more God-glorifying relationships.

That’s what I want.

And if my discord with Jeff brought me a step closer to that, then now we’re both better off. [But next time, I think I’ll finish the book before I try to practice it.]

* * *

I was inspired to read this book after hearing its author Gary Smalley speak about it on “The Focus on the Family” daily broadcast.

For more books read after a recommendation, check out the links at “I Read It.”

“Sheet Music”

We talk around it more than we talk about it. 

But it’s not quiet in any marriage.

Especially if it’s very bad.
Or especially if it’s very good.

Dr. Kevin Leman wrote Sheet Music to talk bluntly about marital intimacy. 

If it’s not good, he says try this and make it better.
If it’s already great, he says try that and make it phenomenal.

Mainly, he says try it.

I can be very direct with spouses when I'm talking about this. If you really love your spouse and he or she, to put it bluntly, really wants your body, you're being selfish if you withhold it.

That's not to say we're never selfish, because all of us are from time to time, but you can't make a marriage grow from a selfish attitude for a long period of time.

Eventually your selfishness will kill it.

As you might expect, he advises women: think more about it.
And he advises men: help out more in every other way if you want more time with your wife.

I spend a lot of time trying to help women get  more active in the bedroom and trying to help men get more  active everywhere else. If we could just meet each other halfway on this, most marriages would do fine.

A good lover works just as hard outside the bedroom as he does inside it.

While Leman never strays far from his main topic, he also address a few general marital issues that bleed over into this area. Because…

When you improve your marriage, you'll usually improve your sex life. When you improve your sex life, you'll usually improve the rest of your marriage.

The two are intricately entwined, so making more effort in any one area is a very good  investment.

But he says a lot of other things that you may or may not expect. You can be the judge of that.

Sometimes Leman uses metaphors.

Many men think of sex as the great eraser… The male mind, “Since we had sex, everything must be okay.”

A woman doesn't work that way. For her, problems erase sex; sex doesn't erase problems.

Other times he spells it out plainly.

What is the greatest enemy of sex among women?
Not weight gain.
Not lack of information.
Not financial troubles.
Not having young kids.

          It is weariness.

To overcome that, Leman says cut things out of your schedule. Get away together. Take care of the conflicts. Make sacrifices.

The greatest enemy of sex for men?
It is not weariness.

          It is lack of enthusiasm from their wives.

Husbands want to be needed, wanted, prized. A wife who can make her husband feel desired will have a very happy husband.

Leman challenges wives this way:

The choice is yours:
By your willingness, attitude, and  words, you can make your husband feel like the luckiest man on the face of the planet; or, by your repeated denials, cutting  remarks, and resentment, you can emasculate him and make  him feel miserable.

That's a lot of power! But our Creator  must have felt you could handle this power since he designed  men and women this way.

If God were to measure your kindness and generosity solely by how well you treat your husband  in this area, what do you think he would say?

This book has a chapter for women only and a chapter for men only. And chapters about...well, read it for yourself to find that out.

You have a  choice to give yourself to this person fully or, for whatever reason, to hold yourself back.

If you hold yourself back, you both lose. Marriage is a voluntary mutual submission to one another.
. . .
Once you've stood up in front of your family and friends  and said, “I do,” don't turn around at night and say, “I don't.”

[DISCLAIMER: This book is not meant to be a cure-all for serious sexual issues, although it could be of help. Dr. Leman (a certified psychiatrist/counselor) would be the first to tell you to seek godly counseling to overcome past or present traumas.]

* * *

Listen to more hearts today at Holy Experience for
           Secrets to a Lasting Marriage

Does it add up?

[The post I’d intended to write yesterday about “Holy Matrimony” didn’t get written.

I was too busy living it instead.]  

               The day begins. Start…

He kissed me in bed before he left for work, wished me a good day, and said “I love you.” +1
I barely moved. -1

I called him shortly thereafter and he answered his phone. +1
But I was calling to report the electricity was out and I hadn’t fully recharged my phone first. -1

I talked to Morgan, then talked to him about a need she had. He took care of it. +1

He asked if I could meet him for lunch when I left my mom’s place. I could. We did. +1
We laughed about extending the lunch at a nearby hotel. +1
But I reminded him that he had a 1:00 meeting. -1
But later texted him next time we’ll throw caution to the wind and blow off the meeting. +1

He promised to be home for supper by 6:00. I had it ready. +1
But he was 15 minutes late. -1
I didn’t hold it against him. +1 (Well…I did briefly. –½)

He asked me to say the blessing for the meal, and had tears in his eyes when I finished because he loves me so much. +1

Together we walked the dog and a casserole to welcome the neighbors back in town. +1
And held hands on the walk back. +1
And did yard work together until dark. +1

I was super itchy from the yard work. Took antihistamine. Now super sleepy from the antihistamine. -1
He wasn’t. But understood that I was. +1
He kissed me good night. +1
Even though I barely moved. -1

               The day ends. …Stop

Do the math. Did we end with a positive number instead of a negative?

If yes, that means we win, right?

No.
We don’t win because of human math.
               We win because of God’s grace.

We win because 
               Jeff + God + Lisa = Holy Matrimony
even on those days when the negatives outnumber the positives.
And we have a number of those days. Don’t do the math.

If we can keep God in the middle (not in the mix, but in the middle—dead center), we win.

Where God is, there is holiness.
Where God is, there is victory.
Where God is, there is love.

* * *Visit with our friends at Holy Experience for more of
The Spiritual Practice of Holy Matrimony.

My Walks with Him

Use his mirror

I’ve been reading Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman. He reminds me of what I know.

We were made to watch one woman in particular, not all women in general.

For my husband, I am that one woman.
Me.
For better, for worse. I’m the only game in town.

You don’t have to look like Pamela Anderson to attract your husband. He wants to see you.

But am I enough? What if feel fat? Unattractive? Worn out?

Jeff says, Untrue. You are more than enough.  
He says, Let me be your mirror.
He says, I see delight, beauty, pleasure. 

I must choose daily. My mirror or his?

Do I believe my harsh self-evaluation?
Or his grace-filled vision?

I choose his.
It makes him happy.
It makes me happy, too.

The best satisfaction comes from satisfying someone else, not in being satisfied.

* * *

Just as we must decide to see ourselves as God see us—chosen, righteous, beloved—so we must decide to see ourselves as our spouses see us—hand-picked, beautiful, theirs.Visit with our friends at Holy Experience for more of
The Spiritual Practice of Holy Matrimony.

My Walks with Him

What to look for in Prince Charming

Little girls dream of splashy weddings. And lots of babies.

And their own Prince Charming.

According to Disney, he’ll be rich, charming, famous, and good-looking.

Wake up!

Reality teaches otherwise. There’s something much more significant about a real Prince Charming. And every grown woman should value it: servanthood.

When Jeff washed dishes last night at 9:30, I liked it. And before that, when he brought down a box of heavy schoolbooks from the attic for me, I was impressed. And before that, when he put in a full day’s work on the job so we’d have money in the bank, I admired him.

It works both ways, of course. If I’m a true daughter of Eve, I’m designed to be Jeff’s helper (Genesis 2:18). I’m to serve, too. Marriage creates multiple opportunities for both of us to practice it.

And practice it.

And practice it.

In sickness and in health.
For richer or for poorer.
Whether he’s famous and charming, or NOT.

God sent the model Prince Charming ready to serve (Mark 10:45). He overwhelmed us with it. Back then. Today. Tomorrow. Disney may not get it yet, and we may not even get it fully, but true greatness lies in true serving (Matthew 20:26-27).

The sweetest love excels at extravagant serving.

Maybe one day Disney will catch on.

* * *

Join the community at Holy Experience for four weeks as we consider
The Spiritual Practice of Holy Matrimony.

Do you admire those who serve?

Who has served you today? Whom have you served?

“The Language of Love and Respect”—Book Review

If you’re in a serious relationship and/or work with the opposite sex and haven’t read Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, do it now.

It’s good information that helps you understand that men need to know they’re respected and women need to know they’re loved. We’re designed that way. Eggerichs uses Ephesians 5:33 as his proof text.

Because I learned a lot from Love and Respect and from its accompanying seminar, I picked The Language of Love and Respect for my Thomas Nelson bloggers’ choice.  I thought this book would be a helpful follow-up.

Not so much. But only because it’s very repetitive of the original book, Love and Respect. You could easily read this one as a stand-alone book without reading the first one. Or vice-versa. You’ll still get the gist pretty quickly.

[Caveat: 
For the record, I disagree with Eggerichs claim that communication is the number one marriage problem. I think it is selfishness. Which leads to bad communication and other nasty problems…]

Nonetheless, this book is still helpful. Eggerichs includes sample dialogue for how his C-H-A-I-R-S and C-O-U-P-L-E principles work together to kick you out of the Crazy Cycle and propel you into the Energizing Cycle.

He also includes many testimonies of real-life couples who have applied these principles with great results. 

He helps you see that your spouse doesn’t cause you to be the way you are; he just reveals the way you are. Your response to your spouse is your own responsibility.

The most helpful one-liner for me is this:

When your spouse has those inevitable moments of pique, anger, or nastiness, you must still see your spouse as a goodwilled person.

Remembering that, and having that remembered about me, fends off a few arguments that often grow out of misunderstandings or too-sensitive feelings.  

But Eggerichs’ bottom-line principle is his best:
Marriage is ultimately more about you and God than you and your spouse.
The greatest rewards of marriage come from living out your marriage as unto the Lord.

Should you read this book?
If you’ve already gotten these principles down pat, it won’t hurt to refresh them, but it probably won’t help much either. 

But if you’re clueless about how men and women should relate to each other, do us all a favor and read it. And apply it. Not only will you be blessed, so will those around you.