We talk around it more than we talk about it.
But it’s not quiet in any marriage.
Especially if it’s very bad.
Or especially if it’s very good.
Dr. Kevin Leman wrote Sheet Music to talk bluntly about marital intimacy.
If it’s not good, he says try this and make it better.
If it’s already great, he says try that and make it phenomenal.
Mainly, he says try it.
I can be very direct with spouses when I'm talking about this. If you really love your spouse and he or she, to put it bluntly, really wants your body, you're being selfish if you withhold it.
That's not to say we're never selfish, because all of us are from time to time, but you can't make a marriage grow from a selfish attitude for a long period of time.
Eventually your selfishness will kill it.
As you might expect, he advises women: think more about it.
And he advises men: help out more in every other way if you want more time with your wife.
I spend a lot of time trying to help women get more active in the bedroom and trying to help men get more active everywhere else. If we could just meet each other halfway on this, most marriages would do fine.
A good lover works just as hard outside the bedroom as he does inside it.
While Leman never strays far from his main topic, he also address a few general marital issues that bleed over into this area. Because…
When you improve your marriage, you'll usually improve your sex life. When you improve your sex life, you'll usually improve the rest of your marriage.
The two are intricately entwined, so making more effort in any one area is a very good investment.
But he says a lot of other things that you may or may not expect. You can be the judge of that.
Sometimes Leman uses metaphors.
Many men think of sex as the great eraser… The male mind, “Since we had sex, everything must be okay.”
A woman doesn't work that way. For her, problems erase sex; sex doesn't erase problems.
Other times he spells it out plainly.
What is the greatest enemy of sex among women?
Not weight gain.
Not lack of information.
Not financial troubles.
Not having young kids.
It is weariness.
To overcome that, Leman says cut things out of your schedule. Get away together. Take care of the conflicts. Make sacrifices.
The greatest enemy of sex for men?
It is not weariness.
It is lack of enthusiasm from their wives.
Husbands want to be needed, wanted, prized. A wife who can make her husband feel desired will have a very happy husband.
Leman challenges wives this way:
The choice is yours:
By your willingness, attitude, and words, you can make your husband feel like the luckiest man on the face of the planet; or, by your repeated denials, cutting remarks, and resentment, you can emasculate him and make him feel miserable.
That's a lot of power! But our Creator must have felt you could handle this power since he designed men and women this way.
If God were to measure your kindness and generosity solely by how well you treat your husband in this area, what do you think he would say?
This book has a chapter for women only and a chapter for men only. And chapters about...well, read it for yourself to find that out.
You have a choice to give yourself to this person fully or, for whatever reason, to hold yourself back.
If you hold yourself back, you both lose. Marriage is a voluntary mutual submission to one another.
. . .
Once you've stood up in front of your family and friends and said, “I do,” don't turn around at night and say, “I don't.”
[DISCLAIMER: This book is not meant to be a cure-all for serious sexual issues, although it could be of help. Dr. Leman (a certified psychiatrist/counselor) would be the first to tell you to seek godly counseling to overcome past or present traumas.]
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Secrets to a Lasting Marriage