Lisa Notes: Write back

Write back

Before they call I will answer; while they are yet speaking I will hear.
Isaiah 65:24

THE EMAIL

It felt risky. I wasn’t sure I should say it. I wondered if it would change things, make things weird.

I wordsmithed it cautiously, copied it to Gmail, and hit send.

Then waited.
For something.
For anything.
Anytime now.
Please?

You, too? Waiting to hear back from someone about something?

NO RESPONSE

Let’s get this out of the way: I’m not always good about responding either.

But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t be better. Or that you couldn’t be either.

We all should write back.

(Or text or message or call or visit . . . .)

Because we all know what it feels like when someone doesn’t get back to us.

It hurts.

When you make yourself vulnerable but are left hanging, you question if you said too much.
When you throw out a tiny bait but get no bite at all, you wonder who cares.
When you ask a question but get no answer, you feel insulted.

At the very least, you feel unheard. Did they even get my message? Maybe my email bounced? Was my voicemail deleted?

NOW WHAT

So what can we do when someone doesn’t respond to us? Not much. We can’t make someone pay attention. Try again if it’s important. Or forgive and move on.

But we can control how we respond to others.

Be the one to reach back.

You might not heal the hurt or dispense wisdom or fix any problems with your reply. But when you affirm that you hear, you stay connected.

When someone sends you a note, acknowledge its receipt.
When someone asks a question, give an answer (“I don’t know” is acceptable; so is, “I’ll answer later.”)
When someone says, “I need help,” say that you care (if you do), even if you don’t know what to do next.

Because any acknowledgement, however short, is a better message than the one sent with no response.

So say something.
Hey, I hear you. I care. You matter.

Write back.

* * *

Who do you need to respond to today?

It’s not too late. It can be short, but let it be something.

Comments (26)

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Jen Ferguson · 621 weeks ago

I like this piece of encouragement today, Lisa. And I love how you reached out of your own pain to communicate how to love better to us.
My recent post My Shortest Blog Post Ever? (But it's encouraging!)

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

Thanks, Jen. I tried leaving a comment on your post today but kept having trouble. So I'll just tell you here that the picture is adorable, and yes, it does encourage all of us as mothers!
My recent post Write back

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floyd 60p · 621 weeks ago

I'm with you on this. I try to go out of my way to answer others. I find it to be respectful, even if it's not the news we wanted to hear. Not answering others says a whole lot about the person who chooses not to, whether it's out of not wanting to hurt others or just plain apathy. The old adage never lies; actions speak louder than words...
My recent post THE THROW DOWN

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

I already know you're excellent at this, Floyd. You've proven it over and over even with those of us who comment on your blog, which is above and beyond. But thank you--it is always nice to receive a personal note from a "real" person. And those of us who read you know that you're real. That's a blessing.
My recent post Write back

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Karmen · 621 weeks ago

What a great post! So true! And someone came to my mind instantly that I need to respond to! So thank you! I came to you by way of Tell His Story.
My recent post The Indignity of Parenthood

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

I'm glad somebody came to mind for you, Karmen! Hope it will make their day when they hear back. Good for you.

I'll probably be extra attentive for a few days myself to respond quicker. :-) But I want it to last for the long-haul....
My recent post Write back

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Mia · 621 weeks ago

Dear Lisa
There is not even a way one can over emphasize the importance of this wisdom. We all need confirmation, even if it is just from those neatest to us. Apart from just being good manners, it shows the other that they matter to you.
I agree that even though we cannot and should not allow another's behavior to influence ours. That takes a lot of grace!!!
Blessings
Mia

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

"We all need confirmation" - indeed, Mia. We're made to matter, and it feels right when we get proof of it. Thanks, friend.
My recent post Write back

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@meadows_speak · 621 weeks ago

This was such a great post, Lisa! I'm curious to know if you did hear back....something? :)

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

I was afraid someone would ask me that, Tammy. ha. I did hear back a "more later" but never got more later. But so much time has passed now that I've let it go.

My initial reason for writing the post though was when it happened to my daughter--that really bothered me when she didn't get a reply back from someone. The situation did eventually resolve though, so all is well. :-) Thanks for asking.
My recent post Write back

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barbarah 65p · 621 weeks ago

I have a tendency to mark e-mail that ) need to answer "as new" so it will stay in my feed and I'll remember to answer it - and then new things come in through the day and I lose track of the thing I need to answer. I suppose the best thing to do would be to answer it right away, but sometimes I need to process it first.Maybe I need to make a "Need to answer" folder that I can check every day.

I do know what's it's like to be left hanging and wonder if the person ever got your message, yet afraid to "bug" them by asking if they just haven't gotten around to answering yet. If we know it's going to be a while before we can thoughtfully answer, it probably is best to send a short note saying that - and then post a reminder to ourselves somewhere.

I wonder if you've experienced the opposite of this as well -- when someone answers something that doesn't really need an answer, and then you end up with a series of e-mails saying something like "Thank you for the thank you to my thank you." :-) I have a correspondent or two who do that and struggle with the best way to end that particular exchange without just abruptly dropping it.

Thanks for the reassurance as well that you weren't waiting on a response from any of us...I was wondering if I needed to search back through my e-mails. :-)
My recent post Book Review: Betrayal

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

I was concerned that some sweet blogger friend would think I was talking about them! Ha. But no. All clear.

I keep a "Write friends" folder for emails that I need to respond to, and then a reminder on my daily schedule to check that folder once a day. However I don't clean it out every day (not by a long shot), but at least I know I'll be reminded about it, and can make the decision again about when and what to answer. I think I'm actually getting lazier about it instead of better, so this post is for me too.

I do that "thank you for the thank you" with a few friends too. :-) It used to be uncomfortable for me to know how to end a texting conversation...do you just quit talking; do you officially say good-bye; what? But I'm figuring it out. :-)
My recent post Write back

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Brandee · 621 weeks ago

Good advice, Lisa. Thank you.
My recent post Reflections on Marriage Counseling

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

Thanks for dropping by, Brandee. I appreciate what you're sharing on your blog as well.

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Susan · 621 weeks ago

Relating.....I am one of those who always answers.
Great post Lisa, makes me realise not to take it personally when someone takes days or (never) to answer.
Also need to not judge the one not answering ..as you said..let it go!
Susan

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

Glad to hear you are one who answers, Susan! Although I’m not surprised to hear it. You are a jewel.

I think when one IS good at answering, it makes it even harder to understand those who don’t. Not taking it personally is definitely a way to give grace in those situations.

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dukeslee 37p · 621 weeks ago

I've been on both ends -- the not responding and the not getting a response. All happening this week! I can only control my end, by responding to those who need a response. Thank you for the reminder. Though at times, Lisa, it's so hard to respond to numerous online inquiries, all coming at once, especially when my family needs me here. Advice for a weary soul here????
My recent post #TellHisStory: How To Really Shine (Even If You’re Feeling Small)

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

Yep, having been on both ends help us to be more understanding at least. I agree with you that there are seasons when then is more difficult than others. Sometimes even with our best efforts, we just can't respond appropriately like we want to. In those times, we have to cut ourselves slack and be thankful for grace!

What works best for me (in this season anyway) is to schedule a time to respond, usually a few times a week. It's harder to keep track of digital messages so I keep them in one folder then put an appointment with myself on my Outlook calendar to look at the folder. I still don't always answer even then, but I do at least look at what's outstanding and make sure nothing major is going unnoticed.

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gmthul 17p · 621 weeks ago

Stopped over from Imperfect Prose today. I forgot how much I love your voice, Lisa! You are an encouragement to me.

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

Thanks, Genevieve. Sweet words for me to receive this morning!

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Esther Joy · 621 weeks ago

This post made me smile as I remembered a conversation with a friend recently. We had talked, so I thought that was a good enough response instead of texting back, but she expected both, LOL! So, ...I know you can't please everyone, but maybe I've become a little insensitive and try to practice "Boundaries" too much!
My recent post The YES!

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

You bring up a good point that sometimes our expectations are a little too grand! ha. We need to watch that in ourselves too and not expect more out of people that they're able to give. Thanks for sharing this, Esther.
My recent post His last words are ours. Thank you, Dallas Willard.

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Carrie, RtK · 621 weeks ago

OOOH yes. I am bad at this too. But you are right - it does hurt feelings, even if it IS unintentional and even if the other party DOES realize that you are going to do your best to get back to them quickly. Just a quick note is better than nothing though.

Good words. Good reminder. Good admonishment. Good advice!
My recent post The Raggedy Ann Stories, by Johnny Gruelle

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

You hit the nail on the head here, Carrie:
"Just a quick note is better than nothing though."

I like to be reminded of that because sometimes I want to wait and wait until I have a huge amount of time to write out a long, proper response, but in the meantime I'm saying nothing. A "more later" note works for me, both in giving and receiving. :-)
My recent post His last words are ours. Thank you, Dallas Willard.

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Alicia@the Overflow! · 621 weeks ago

Lisa, I love this simple reminder- isn't it crazy how our fast-speed world seems to squeeze out simple gestures of kindness? I still miss "real mail"- the notes that used to pile up in my mailbox from friends and family. (And the fun of sitting down with a fresh piece of stationary and WRITING BACK!). I like your suggestions here-especially the one about just letting someone know you care even if you don't know what to do from there. THANK YOU.
My recent post Why I Don't Cry Over Burnt Bread Anymore (Or the Simple Secret to Surrendering those Mommy Measures!)

1 reply · active 621 weeks ago

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Lisa notes 103p · 621 weeks ago

Ah, the days of real mail. When it was fun to go to the mailbox. Now...not so much. I think my handwriting has suffered the past few years because I use it so little (not because I'm getting older, right?). I still send out real birthday cards but that's about it, and even the little I write in those is hard to read. Maybe I'll get adventurous and write a real letter soon! :-)
My recent post His last words are ours. Thank you, Dallas Willard.